


The Waiting Game

by ProjectWRITTEN



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Post-Mass Effect 3, Romance, Some angst, okay a lot of angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2018-09-02 22:44:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8686213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProjectWRITTEN/pseuds/ProjectWRITTEN
Summary: I have wondered about you. Where will you be? When this is through?
 Thanks to Commander Shepard's efforts the Reaper threat is no more. But her actions leaves her in a coma.Her team and her lover, Garrus, are left struggling in a galaxy that keeps on turning faster than ever while she remains unresponsive and unaware of the world around her.





	1. The End?

_The Reapers are gone…_

_The War is won…._

_The Reapers are gone…_

_The War is won…_

Over and over, Garrus repeats these words over in his head like a cycle. But not because he can’t believe. No, he always knew Shepard could do it, he always had faith in her, never once did he doubt her abilities.

He repeats these words because no matter how hard he tries, he can’t feel happy. Not without her.

_They found her body…_

_She’s in a bad condition, Less than 50% chance of her survival, even less for a full recovery._

When he finally was granted clearance to see her, Garrus did not expect what he saw.

The first thing he noticed was how awfully clinical the room was, there was no air, no colour, just this white room, her bed and what looked like hundreds of machines hooked up to her body keeping her alive, keeping her breathing.

He then noticed her body. For a moment, he could not recognise the woman in front of him. She was burned, patches of scorched skin dotted her body and complementing those burns were a series of scars, possibly caused by debris, which were scattered across her body.  

Strapped to her face was a endotracheal tube which was attached to a machine by her bed which regulated her breathing, along with more machines and tubes which were strapped to other parts of her body providing her with blood, nutrients and other types of fluids, all just to keep her alive.

Garrus had completely tuned to what the doctor was telling him, something about her injuries, the burns and the numerous amount of operations they had to conduct on her body. He just looked at her wanting to reach out to her, to hold her.

_“We had to put her in a medical induced coma to stabilise her, but whether or not she’ll be able to awaken from this is another matter entirely”_

A coma, a deep sleep, completely unaware of the world around her. She doesn’t have any idea that the reapers were gone, she has no idea that they won. They won. They did it. Together.

The doctor had left Garrus alone in the room, leaving him with only the soft sound of the heart monitor to accompany his breathing.

It almost didn’t seem fair. No. This wasn’t fair. Shepard had done everything and anything to stop the reapers. She united the fucking galaxy for spirits sake and this was her reward?!

All Garrus wanted to do was to help her, help her get back get better, get back on her feet and back to the Shepard he knew. But there was nothing he could do.

All he could do was simply sit by her side, hold her ever cold hand, and hope.

_“I need you to recover, because I can’t make it on my own…”_


	2. I'm Awake But Not Quite Here

90 days since the reapers had been defeated

87 days since Shepard’s body was found

51 days since the major relays were repaired

44 days since the Normandy came home

And only 7 days since Garrus and Shepard were reunited. Well physically anyway.

That was probably the bit that hurt the most. The fact that Shepard was right next to him, yet completely unaware of his existence or even the world around her. Locked in her own mind, unable to move or even function without help from those goddamn machines hooked up to her body.

“You can’t sit here all day Garrus” Liara told him for what seemed like the 100th time this week. “You need to get out a bit”

_That’s easier said than done…_

“I know Liara, it’s just…” Garrus started

“Listen, being in this room all day and night will only worsen your mood, you need to get out, find something to take your mind off things, even for a while” Liara advised him with some sympathy. She was right though, he knew it and she knew it. He couldn’t sit in this room forever, not while there was so much to be done, even with the reapers gone.

“Any change you let me know right away” Garrus told one of the nurses who simply nodded curtly in reply. Just before leaving the room, he looked back one more time at Shepard’s still form, the ever so slow rise and fall of her chest being the only indication that there was still life in her. He looked at her with guilt before finally leaving the cold, clinical room behind him.

 

The two left the hospital which was part of a huge spaceport orbiting around earth, one of the few fixed ships in orbit. Here was arguably the best place to be for coordination of fleets, construction and general movement throughout the galaxy, and with the current mix mash of species who had come to take earth back, finding some sort of order was hard to come by. Here all the remaining leaders of each species worked together to try to coordinate and rebuild the galaxy from what was left behind, including people such as Primarch Victus and even Urdnot Wrex. It was only fitting that this spaceport had been renamed the SS New Horizon

“When was the last time you ate anything?” Liara asked as they walked

“I’m fine Liara” Garrus replied with exasperation which only gave him a strong look of doubt from his Asari friend.

“I’ll take that as not for a while” She replied “Come on then” she took him to one of the central part of the port where there was food and supplies were being distributed. As much as he was annoyed by it, he had to give her credit. Liara was trying her best to make sure everyone from the team was okay. After everything they’ve been through it was only logical that Liara would want to look out for her team. It was actually proving to be quite comforting at times.

Like Shepard’s room, the spaceport had a very clinical feel, which was not a feeling Garrus particularly liked, not that he would show it of course. However, hiding what he really felt had been a skill Garrus had become quite skilled at nowadays.

As he was picking up some food, which looked just as appetising as the dextro rations found on the Normandy, a familiar voice came to his side.

“Hey Scars” Vega greeted as he grabbed some rations for himself

“Vega” Garrus replied simply

“Were you with Shepard again?” he asked, looking slightly in his direction to try and gain a little bit of eye contact

“Hmm” was the only reply Garrus gave. He knew Vega’s intensions weren’t bad or intrusive. He was only trying to talk, whether it was simply trying to help or just to make small talk, Garrus didn’t know. He just didn’t want to partake in it.

“You know, they cornered off this section for us a few decks up, give us some privacy you know?” Vega commented “Would you rather go there?”

While he would much rather go back and sit with Shepard, Garrus agreed, besides it might feel slightly better being among friends than being here. With Liara quickly joining the two, they went up 3 decks to their designated section on the ship. Here there were a few rooms with beds along with a communal room fitted out with sofas, extranet terminals and even a tiny cooking area. There was also an observation lounge much like on the Normandy.

“It’s not much but it’s nice they were able to offer it to us” Vega commented, even Garrus had to agree it was generous of the Alliance to give up a section of the deck just for them. Although Garrus couldn’t help to think that this was part of their ploy to keep the team on the site so that they could be scrutinised with questions, advice and anything else the Alliance needed from them.

“There’s a bed for you down at the end Garrus” Liara told him, who simply thanked her in response. “I’ll leave you to it”

The room was small but thankfully did not have the same clinical feel as the rest of the ship did. After having eaten and read through the onslaught of messages he had on his omni-tool, Garrus eventually crashed on his bed, not having realised just how tired he really was, and fell asleep.

 

Garrus woke up a couple of hours later, he guessed it was either late at night or the early hours of the morning, judging by the fact the ship’s day cycle hadn’t commenced yet. He knew he hadn’t slept for very long. He had begun to develop a form on insomnia during the war and now it just stayed. Not wanting to stay in his room or go back to sleep either, Garrus wondered out and scanned his surroundings, almost like he would if he was entering a battlefield for the first time.

It seemed like everyone was either asleep or elsewhere because there was no-one in the common room and hallway seemed pretty quiet. Garrus finally took a glance in the observation lounge. Like the one back on the Normandy, there was a long sofa in front of a huge window which looked on to the abyss of space.

As Garrus started to walk in, he was met by a voice.

“Hey Garrus”

Slightly startled at first, Garrus walked round to the front of the sofa and sat down, only to find Tali sitting at the other end, her knees hugged up to her chest.

“Hey Tali” he replied, he looked at her for a minute. Although he couldn’t see her face he had known Tali long enough to know what she was possibly feeling. He wasn’t going to ask if she was okay, it was a stupid question. “What are you doing here?” was the only other question he thought to give.

“Can’t sleep”

“I know the feeling”

For a while the two were just content to sit in each other’s company, looking out into the depths of space in front of them.

“It’s weird, isn’t it? The peace” Tali commented “We’ve been under so much pressure, our lives on the line so many times that for it to just be peaceful…”

“May take some getting used to” Garrus finished with somewhat of a dry laugh “But I’m sure you’ll manage, it’s not the worst thing you’ve had to do anyway”

“That’s true” another small, dry laugh. Then another silence followed. Though this one slightly shorter.

“I went to see Shepard, I’ve just come back actually…” Tali said, some hesitation in her voice “I tried to speaking to her, told her about Rannoch, how it’s safe thanks to her…”

“What do you mean you spoke to her?” Garrus interjected, utterly confused at her ramblings

“That’s what the nurses said to do” Tali explained, turning to face him slightly “Apparently, she can hear things, even if she can’t respond” Garrus questioned her for a minute and Tali felt it “I know you think it’s stupid but it helps so I don’t need to justify it”

“You sure she can hear”

“I don’t know Garrus” Tali sighed “But it’s better than staring at her body”

The two stayed in the observation lounge for a while longer before Tali finally decided to call it a night and try and get some sleep. Garrus thought he should do the same but instead left the deck and headed back down to Shepard’s room.

Nothing had changed, her body was still lying there, hooked to all the machines in the same clinical room. Garrus pulled up a chair and held her hand.

“I don’t know if you know it yet Shepard but we won, you did it” Garrus said, holding her hand tenderly in his. Tali was right, this did feel weird. He sat in the silence for a while, finding the words.

“I miss you” He finally uttered “If you can hear this, I miss you and I need you to wake up, please Shepard”

And that’s how everyday would end from that point. Garrus would come down to her and just talked to her body who could not reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 1 is here! I know it's a bit of a slow start but you got to start somewhere. It'll pick up though so don't worry. Anyway I hope you enjoyed it and until next time :)


	3. Who Says Everyone Has Responsibilities?

The emotions felt after the war were often strange, confusing thing sometimes. You live in a world of either shock that it’s actually over, happiness that it is over, relief that you no longer have to fight and sadness or mourning over those who gave their lives in order to make this war a victory. Often you feel all of them all at the same time. Then things get confusing and the one thing you really end up wondering is well…

What now?

That was probably one of the many conflicting emotions Garrus was going through at this moment in time. Not that he wasn’t glad the war was over, spirits no. That damn war took far too many lives, good lives.

It was just that now he didn’t quite know what to do and frankly, it was making him bored.

“Officer Vakarian, the Primarch has requested to see you”

_No, not that…_

That was the 7th time at least this week that Victus had asked Garrus to meet him. Even more times before then. And every time Garrus had avoided him like a child avoiding their bedtime. He knew he was being awfully childish in avoiding him but he had good reason. In his opinion anyway.

Garrus knew, or at least he had a good idea as to why Victus wanted to talk to him. What with the hierarchy in utter disarray and with Garrus’ notable position during the war, it was possible Victus wanted to talk to him about possible rearrangements in terms of his tier.

It was not something Garrus was eager to talk about.

Some were aware of his actions such as Liara but none of them commented. They may have their reservations but none of them said anything. If his father was here… well that was another matter entirely.

Actually, for once he wished he had word from his father, or his sister. Both of which he had heard nothing of since the battle on earth about 2 earth months ago. It was another of his many worries contaminating his brain.

“Officer Vakarian, I repeat, the Primarch…”

“I got the message Glyph” Garrus replied sharply, cutting the small AI short. He sat on the edge of his bed, waking up from another sleepless night. Opening up his omni-tool, Garrus flicked through his messages. The light from the screen being the only one lighting up his dark room.

Since they arrived on the SS New Horizon, all his messages followed the usual theme. Meetings about the war, meetings about post-war co-ordination, meetings about resources, meetings about clean-up operations… and so on and so forth.

Garrus had only been to a couple of these meetings after not bothering to turn up at all. They all seemed the same after a while, all the talks and points just merged into one big mess in his head and it seemed like they all came down to the same glaring conclusion. They still have a long way to go before things can get back to ‘normal’.

Although given the past few years of Garrus’s life, he had practically forgotten the meaning of the word.

*ping!* Another message…

He was starting to wonder if this was how Shepard felt when she had to deal with all these reports. Not being able to get a break. He had a taste of this life during the war as being official ‘reaper adviser’ but it was never this bad. Maybe he should just stop looking at his messages all together?

*ping!* *ping!*

With an irritated sigh, Garrus reluctantly checked his omni-tool again. To his slight surprise, it wasn’t the usual onslaught of meeting messages. This was new.

Recently, Liara had taken the initiative to try and keep the team together by setting up this message group for the Normandy team only. No influence from any members of the council or the military, just them.

Opening up his omni-tool again, he read through the messages.

T.Soni  
> Tevos is complaining at me again that none of you respond to any messages from the council. I know you hate them but I don’t want to become some sort of messenger.

J.Vega  
> But all their messages and meetings are the same. It gets boring after a while.

A.Williams  
> I don’t know why you’re complaining Vega, you get the best of it. Some of us get pestered day in day out.  
> Anyway, I get more messages from the Alliance than the council so forgive me for forgetting the odd message.

T. Zorah is typing…

T. Zorah  
> Two words. Admiralty Board.

Javik  
> Three words. No-one cares.

T.Soni  
> Javik…

Those two honestly acted like an old married couple sometimes.

U. Wrex  
> You kids don’t have to put up with all of them.

Garrus was about to comment but then he realised how hypocritical of him it would be to do so. So he refrained and just watched the conversation unfold as he went to grab himself some kafa to drink.

T. Soni  
> Actually Wrex, some of us do.

A. Williams  
> You mean yourself?

T.Soni  
> Perhaps

J.Vega  
> Shepard could never put up with them, so why should we?

He had a point…

T.Soni  
> But she did and now she can’t.

And so did Liara…

A few moments went by and no one spoke out.

J.Vega  
> Yeah, she did.  
> I guess we should have expected this

T.Soni  
> That we have.

After that there was no more messages. But what was said was clear. He should have expected the onslaught of people looking to them for advice. After all, who else could they turn to.

_Damn it Vakarian, get your act together!_

Garrus quickly gulped down the rest of his kafa and promptly left the accommodation deck.

 

It did not take him long to find Victus’s office, although once he did find it, he stopped.

_Crap, what now?_

The anxiety in him started to grow and he started to feel uncomfortable. He hadn’t responded to any of Victus’s messages, or any for that matter and now he was just going to walk in?

_Grow the fuck up!_

Too late, he was here now. Better get this over with. Just as he was about to request to enter, his train of thought was cut off and the door opened by its own accord.

“I got tired of waiting” Victus replied with what seemed like irritation lined in his sub vocals. He was sitting at his desk, looking at his terminal. He hadn’t yet looked up.

_This was a bad idea…_

“I apologise Primarch, I was just...”

“Please call me Victus, or Adrien, I’ve had enough of people calling me Primarch”

“Understood” Perhaps he was just irritated by everything else? Just like Garrus felt like sometimes. Okay, a lot of the time. Especially these days.

“I’m glad you finally decided to respond” Victus replied as he finished looking at his terminal and got up to stand at the other side of his desk, finally looking up at Garrus.

“Apologies… again, I was with…”

“I know” Victus responded, this time with solemn tones. He wasn’t pitying him, he understood, being a soldier like Garrus, but he felt for Shepard’s condition. “I know about the commander’s condition, so I understand”

Some relief came over Garrus, he could breathe slightly better now.

“Thank you”

There was a small silence before Victus spoke again. “But, I have to talk about what I have been meaning to discuss with you”

_Crap, here it comes_

“I’ll put it bluntly, the galaxy is a mess. Main relays have been repaired but there are still so many stranded soldiers and civilians stranded across the galaxy. Repairs on our ships are taking longer than expected and with so many dead or unaccounted for, the whole hierarchy is in disarray”

“Negotiations are just having hard and as much as I try to compromise with Urdnot Wrex he is still just as stubborn as during the war and let’s not talk about the council”

“I think everyone just wants to everything to get back to normal” Garrus remarked

“Agreed” Victus replied “Nevertheless, the point is I can’t do everything on my own, not without an advisor”

_Well shit._

“You were one of the best there was when it came to dealing with the reapers and it wouldn’t be surprised if your rank had increased since then”

“Primarch- I mean Victus, I’m not sure if…”

“I know what I can and can’t do within the hierarchy, but I’m also the Primarch and I’m asking you to do this for me” Victus paused for a moment “I’m asking you to do this as a friend”

_Damn it…_

Garrus audibly sighed.

“Can’t really say no, can I?” a dry hint of amusement lined his sub vocals.

“No, guess you can’t”

The two shared a dry laugh. The joys of being part of a meritocracy…

“I’ll start sending you reports on numbers of soldiers and engineers currently accounted for and we’ll try and find a way to co-ordinate some sort of plan to find those who are across the milky way”

“Understood”

“And Garrus” Victus said before Garrus turned to leave “I’m making sure that if your father and sister names are out there so if they become accounted for, you’ll be notified immediately, and if possible they’ll be sent here. I’ve set out numerous teams to search for any survivors. They’ll be found.”

“Thank you” Garrus replied with sincerity. And for once, it was a real relief.

 

Later that evening, once he had finished fishing through the reports Victus had sent him, all with numbers which did not look pleasing, Garrus made his way down to Shepard’s hospital room. The same clinical stench hit him as soon as he entered.

Nothing had changed. Shepard was still lying there. The slow rise and fall of her chest accompanied by the steady beep of the heart monitor.

Garrus took his usual seat by her side and took her hand in his.

“Hey Shepard, sweetie… sorry, stupid nickname I know” He coughed up a laugh, knowing how they used that nickname ironically to each other.

“Though I can give you a new name for me, Primarch Advisor. Yeah, pretty shit, but sweetie was just as bad”

“You know that I didn’t want this, hell, it’s what I’ve been avoiding but with you here, someone’s got to do your job, I’m kind of feeling like your replacement” Another dry laugh

“To be honest it seems like no-one knows what they’re doing, although between you and me, I don’t think they ever did. Seems like you were the only one who did”

A pause. A small silence.

“But you’ll be up soon, and then you’ll do what you always do. Argue with anyone who disagrees with you” Another laugh, followed by another silence.

“Please wake up soon, I don’t think I’m the only one who needs you…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I would have posted sooner but I was ill over christmas and I had to do assigments.  
> Anyway I hope you liked this chapter :)


	4. I’d Rather See My Nightmare’s than My Memories

**Part IIII, I’d Rather See My Nightmare’s than My Memories**

 

_“I just...I've seen so many things go wrong, Shepard. My work at C-Sec, what happened with Sidonis. I just want things to go right, this once_ _want something to go right. Just once. Just...”_

_The two brought their heads closer together, as if even gravity itself was pulling them together. Garrus brought his hand up to Shepard’s cheek, gently tracing his finger down it. He did it in an almost cautious manner, as if he was scared his finger would cause her to bleed._

_For a few moments they stayed like that, enjoying the closeness of one another. Feeling their heartbeats, their breath, just each other’s presence._

_“Things are going to go right Garrus” Shepard said, her voice barely going above the murmur. “But first you need to wake up”_

_What? “What did you say?!”_

_“Wake up Garrus”_

Garrus woke up with a start, his eyes shooting open. Another dream. Another memory twisted by reality’s truth.

He had read somewhere that dreams were meant to mean something. Spirits know what his dreams meant? Only that he was here in reality, and Shepard was far from it.

*Ping!*

The sudden sound of Garrus’s omni-tool suddenly pulled him out of his thoughts. He brought up his omni-tool and looked at the invading message

T. Zorah  
> So, Primarch Advisor now?

_How did she? Never mind…_

G. Vakarian  
> Seems so, Admiral.

T. Zorah  
> If one more person calls me that, I may just have to bring out my shotgun again

G.Vakarian  
> Likewise with my sniper rifle, it’s been getting cold.  
> How are you holding up?

_A meaningless question, but it’s the thought that counts. Right?_

T. Zorah  
> As well I can be. You?

_How ARE you feeling?_

_G._ Vakarian  
> Fine

_Liar_

He could almost hear her sigh from here.

T. Zorah  
> You know Joker is getting out of the hospital today

Right, like everyone else he had been admitted once the Normandy returned, but with his bone condition, Joker was forced to stay longer than the rest. 16 broken bones, 11 of them near enough shattered.

G. Vakarian  
> I’ve heard. EDI should be pleased, I think.

T. Zorah  
> Agreed.

A pause.

T. Zorah  
>Well let me know if you want to do some target practice later.

G. Vakarian  
> I’ll make sure I do.

<End Communication>

 

And with that, Garrus was left in the quiet again. He looked at the time, 7am earth time. Too late to go back to sleep, not that sleep would come anyway. Garrus took another glance at his messages, another 30 within those few minutes. He had only been Primarch advisor for about 2 weeks now but already he was He was now starting to understand why Shepard never bothered in answer any, he’d be here until next month. Instead, he just classed them as read and hoped the sender would notice.

One thing he did notice was that there was still no news of his family. He knew he wouldn’t have received any news so quickly and communications were hard to come by. Yet there was still a crushing disappointment when there is yet nothing.

Maybe he should just stop hoping as much…

_And how would Shepard feel about that?_

Shaking off the thought, Garrus got set to work to his new duties as Primarch Advisor. One such job involved the movement and co-ordination of troops.

So, the total of turian troops not Killed in Action (KIA) or Missing in Action (MIA) was at just under 4 billion, which seems like a huge amount, but given at the start of the war, there was over 8 billion active troops, that means just under 50% of their entire military had been wiped out. And 1/3 of those troops were injured and hospitalised, leaving only 1.5 billion troops.

And this was just the beginning.

In terms of the non-military population, only 5 billion remained of the 10 from pre-war records.

So, 5 billion turians in need to help and only 1.5 billion to provide it. And this does not count the troops needed for repairs and securing areas still under reaper influence. 

They said the casualties were high.

The more Garrus tried to work something out, the more he went around in circles.

Most of the troops are stranded on earth, as most the turian fleet was sent in the fight for earth. This means most of the help is in the sol system. And those who need the help are stranded across different parts of the milky way.

However, no relays mean no transport, and no transport means no help, and no help means people die.

There were ways of communication but they took far longer to get across without the relays active.

Eventually he came to one glaring conclusion.  The sol relay and those surrounding it had to be fixed, as soon as possible.

This would mean every single engineer (or at least most of them) would have to be moved and set to work. This of course would mean negotiations and would also mean other projects such as repairs of structures would have to be put on hold.

_Ruthless calculus never seems to end._

 

Garrus could start to feel a headache developing from all this. After a couple more hours of sorting through reports and numbers he eventually he gave in and filed his report to Victus.

_Tali was right, the urge to bring use your weapons just gets stronger and stronger._

An idea came into his head from the thought.

G. Vakarian  
> Shooting range?

(T. Zorah is typing)

T. Zorah  
> You that desperate?  
> Sure.

Having being brought up with a militaristic father, shooting was used as a way to release tension. Well one of the methods at least.

It didn’t take long for him to meet Tali at the range. It was your typical shooting range with different targets for snipers, pistols and shotguns. However, it also had a separate room, a sort of simulator which mimicked different combat situations, similar to the one in the Armax Arsenal Arena, only with real thermal clips.

 

The two spent a good 2 hours just burning out thermal clip after thermal clip on their targets, clearly taking out all of their anger and frustration on the gun in hand until they finally came to an end and sat by another window viewing earth, similar to what they do sometimes back in their quarters. For a while they didn’t say anything, just sat in silence as they stared out the window, occasionally drinking a drink they had at hand.

“Thank you, I needed that more than I thought I did” Tali said, breaking the silence. Garrus broke his gaze from the window and looked in her direction, she still wasn’t looking at him but he noticed she was more relaxed compared to their last meet-ups where she was more tense, the stress clearly taking its toll.

“No type of therapy like gun therapy” Garrus replied in an attempt to make a joke

“That’s true” Having known Tali for so long, he had become able to guess fairly accurately her expressions, and right now she was smirking at the joke.  “We could do this more often, good to blow off steam”

_“Sounds like you’re holding some tension, why don’t I help you get rid of it?”_

Garrus visibly tensed, his hand clenching into a fist. _Damn it, why did she have to say that? How could she be so senseless?!_

“Garrus?” Tali asked, tilting her head slightly to try and see what was wrong with him.

Before Tali had even a chance to enquire further, Garrus stood up with such a force Tali was almost taken back, but she didn’t have any time to question him as he stormed out of the shooting range.

_Fuck! Crap! Fuck! Damn it! Fuck it!_

Garrus walked through the ship with haste, anger and frustration leading his steps. Not quite thinking as to where they would lead him.

_Damn it Tali! Fuck, I can’t!_

How could she not know? How could Tali not understand the meaning of those simple words?

_Shepard…_

Of course, Tali wouldn’t know, like everyone else on the suicide mission, she was too busy dealing with their – to their knowledge at the time – inevitable end. The moment was so private between them that no-one knew.

_But that’s why it hurts._

He didn’t want to get angry at Tali, she had done nothing wrong and she was a good friend. If anything, she was one of the few people he could still trust and even like in this galaxy. And he didn’t want to lose her too.

_But she’s no Shepard. No-one is like her._

Tali was a good friend, another thing which was hard to come by these days.

 

Surprisingly, Garrus didn’t end up in Shepard’s room and instead in his own, slumping down on his bed, head held in his hands. I seemed like Tali wasn’t come to check up on him, which probably for the best he thought as he needed to cool off and gain some sort of sanity back.

_Like you haven’t lost that already…_

At roughly 12am earth-time, he hears the doors to his room swoosh open.

“You want to explain what the hell that was about?”

Garrus looked up at the door and noticed Tali’s rigid posture lingering by the door, arms crossed over her chest. Anger and frustration written all over her. For a moment, Garrus wanted to retaliate, wanted to shout at her, tell her that she had no right to say what she said. But instead his face softened and body grew slump again.

“I’m sorry Tali” His apology seemed to catch her by surprise as she visibly relaxed, arms uncrossed and fell to her side. “What you said, it urm… It just made me remember something I didn’t want to think about” he muttered, explaining himself.

Tali seemed to be thinking about his explanation as she didn’t say anything for a moment.

“What did I say?”

Garrus couldn’t help but smile slightly. She was going to find him crazy or hold this against him and Shepard for the rest of their lives, or both!

“Before the collector base, Shepard and I… We urm… We blew off steam… In her quarters” He explained

A moment passed by and Garrus forced himself to look up at Tali. He couldn’t read her at all so he just waited for her to say something.

“I made you remember the first time you did it with Shepard?” Amusement clearly in her tone.

“Well when you put it like that…”

“You boshtet, just wait until I tell Shepard” Garrus chocked out a laugh. But he’d rather she torment him then get angry. No, Tali wasn’t the type of person to hold that kind of grudge, not like him.

“I think she’ll kill us both for that” Garrus remarked

“Probably, but it’ll be worth it” Garrus could guess that Tali was smirking through her mask.

“See you later, Tali”

“See you later, lover boy” Tali said as she left the doorway, letting the door close again.

“Spirits, help me” He sighed as he fell back on his bed. Garrus looked through his messages one more time before forcing himself to get some sleep. A dream-free sleep he hoped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update, I've been back at uni with assigments and had some personal problems.  
> Also I had a lot of trouble with this chapter as I needed something to happen to get to where I want to go with this. 
> 
> I would like to add that I did actually do the maths for this chapter using infomation from the Mass Effect Wiki so I apologise if my numbers don't seem right but I worked with what I found.
> 
> Anyway, hope you liked this chapter regardless and until the next one :)


	5. As Light Cracks Through This Thick Foundation

**Part V, As Light Cracks Through This Thick Foundation**

 

If there was one word which made the crew of Normandy shudder with disgust more than anything. Politics was that word.

It seemed that no matter who many times Shepard had tried to avoid it, it always seemed to catch up with them. All the way from her Spectre induction to now past the end of the Reaper War, it seemed like politics were fundamentally a part of their lives.

In the same way vomit was a fundamental part of an illness.

Nowadays, Garrus’s life was filled with negotiations with council races on matters like ration distributions and placements of troops. It could be considered almost funny how now he longed for good old time more than ever now, where they were hunting down a rogue spectre with no politics or red tape to get in the way.

What seemed to make it worse that despite his actions, it didn’t feel that they had much effect on the world around him. If any at all. Being behind a desk and only watching numbers change on his omni-tool did nothing to help his sense of uselessness. When he was with Shepard, he could physically see the change take place, he could see the differences that she made and hope that came along with it.  Maybe it was the restlessness, the claustrophobia or the depression from the constant onslaught of bad news talking but one thing he was sure of is that he was downright sick of being stuck on this space station.

“Officer Vakarian, Primarch Victus requests to see you” Glyph’s voice pulled him out his thoughts.

“Ah, urm, okay, I’m on my way” Garrus managed to mumble, grabbing his datapad as he headed out, walking at a fairly brisk pace.

When he made it Victus’s office, he was up as if he was ready to leave.

“Vakarian, there you are. Follow me” Victus stated, well, ordered if anything. Garrus only hummed in slight confusion as he followed the Primarch out of his office and through the space station.

“What’s going on?” Garrus queried, thoughts running through his head, instantly expecting the worse.

_Had there been a major incident or accident? There hadn’t been any commotion? Had the Reapers not been fully destroyed?! No, their remains were still clearly visible and very dead._

_… Is Shepard dead…?_

A lump had formed in his throat as Garrus formulated his question again. “Victus, what’s happened?”

“Just follow me” was the only answer Victus gave as he led Garrus through the halls of the ship, only leaving Garrus even more confused.

They eventually ended up in immigration processing, where all new visitors to the SS New Horizon were sent to be cleared for entry. This only puzzled Garrus further. Victus guided Garrus to one of them rooms used for questioning or meetings on occasion.

In what felt like a heartbeat, all his quells and worries vanished as Victus moved to side, allowing Garrus to see inside.

“Garrus!” the voice of a turian female snapped at his attention.

“Sol..” it barely came out as more than a whisper, but that didn’t prevent his sub-vocals from expressing his relief and happiness. He rushed over to his sister, who was poorly attempting to stand on her broken leg. “Hey, don’t force yourself like that, your leg…”

“You went to fight the Reapers on Earth, we hear nothing of you in spirits knows how many sol days and you’re worried about me?!” Solana exclaimed, forcing her brother in the best hug she could give.

“Garrus” an older voice hummed causing Garrus to look up, his father’s eyes met his own. Gently forcing his sister to let go of him, he walked up to his father and embraced him, thankful that he was alive. “What happened?”

“I was aboard the Normandy when it became stranded, we arrived just over one earth month ago” Garrus explained “What about you, how did you end up in the Sol system”

“We were on board one of the cruisers which left Palaven, when the relays were destroyed, the ship had to resort to FTL” Castis explained to his son “It took us several sols to reach the station”

“But we made it” Solana stated “And we’re alive”

“Thank you Victus” Garrus said, turning his attention back to the Primarch, who simply hung by the door

“Don’t, I told you I would let you know about your family safety” replied Victus “Besides you should know that I always hold promises”

_“Get Krogan boots on Palaven and you’ll get your fleet”_

“Is there something I should know?” Castis inquired, looking between the two.

“I served under Victus’s command while on Menae” Garrus explained “Right up until we left with Shepard on the Normandy”

“Garrus is a remarkable soldier as well as a leader” Victus commented “It’s one of the reasons he has been appointed as my advisor as Primarch” Garrus directed a subtle hum of irritation in his sub-harmonics over to Victus, who was simply hummed in amusement.

“Look at you brother!” Solana said in a joking manner.

“Well you did warn Palaven about the Reapers”

“Shepard warned us” Garrus corrected, looking at nothing in particular, a distant thoughtful look dawned on him. “And she still had to pay for it” Garrus hadn’t noticed that his hand was drawn into a fist, ready to punch something or someone.

_The Reapers are coming!_

“You’ll be shown your sleeping accommodation and med-bay for your leg, Solana as well as directed to duties when fit and ready” Victus told Castis and Solana, who nodded in acknowledgement.  “Take the rest of the day with your family Vakarian”

For once, Garrus actually was a good turian and followed his given order.

 

 T. Zorah  
> They’re here? That must be a relief for you.

G. Vakarian  
> Yeah, Sol’s leg’s still bad but she’ll live.

T. Zorah  
> Only a matter of time until you’ll be off this stupid space station and back home.

G. Vakarian  
> Likewise for you.

T. Zorah  
> Keelah, I keep forgetting I actually have a home now.

G. Vakarian  
> You had the fleet before then.

T. Zorah  
> Not the same

G. Vakarian  
> Shepard once told me an old human saying “Home is where the heart is”

T.Zorah  
> It’s a good saying.  
> Talk to you later Vakarian, say hi to your family for me.

G. Vakarian  
> Later.

 

If there was one thing that always seemed to amaze Tali about Shepard was the fact she always knew the right thing to say and when to say it. All the way from convincing Saren to break free from Reaper control to convincing her people to back down against the Geth, essentially ending the 300 year old conflict between her people and the Geth.

Tali was never good with words, hell if she was, she wouldn’t have ended up in this mess as Admiral. Tali had never asked to be an Admiral in the same way Shepard had never asked to lead the entirety of the reaper war. Sure, she accepted but she was hardly given a choice.  Looking down at her datapad now, seeing the list of demands was somewhat nauseating.

If Shepard came up to her right now and said ‘I need help with a dangerous mission’ Tali would accept without question. She always would for Shepard.

There was not a single word Tali could find that described how she felt for Shepard. She had treated Tali like an equal from day one, she had helped her when she needed her most and even cared about her people and their war with the Geth. Hell, she even ended it! But most of all, Shepard cared about Tali.

She had commented once before about wanting to share suit environments with her but at the time she was too nervous, too scared. Perhaps it was the looming of the suicide mission which stopped her or her stupid way with words, Tali was not too sure. What she was sure of is that she had strong feelings for Shepard.

Tali looked away from her data-pad and set her eyes on Shepard. She had been sitting next to her sleeping body for a good hour now. Still no change, only her constant heartbeat on the monitor.

Her helmet started to fog up a little bit and before she knew it she was tearing up. Damn it, Tali wasn’t afraid to show her feelings yet she hated feeling this way, this emotional.

Love. Maybe that was she felt, maybe that was the word she was looking for?

“You better wake up from this Shepard, don’t leave me here with all the other boshtet’s, I need you”

Yes, even if Shepard was with Garrus, even if she didn’t pull through. The one thing Tali knew is that she loved Shepard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know, this is a late update, but I have my uni exams round the corner as well as some work and assigments to finish.  
> (Also I got Mass Effect Andromeda, which is pretty damn good) Anyway, decided to take a break and write up the next chapter. 
> 
> Now, I've gone with my own personal head canon here that Tali always had strong feelings for Shepard, whether that be in the sister like sense or the romantic sort. You can think up your own idea. But please abuse, it's just not needed. 
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy this chapter and until next time :)


	6. A Mission Can Change But A Soldier Never Does

**Part VI, A Mission Can Change But A Soldier Never Does**

 

_He loved watching her sleep, it was one of the few times in which Shepard seemed completely at peace, especially when there wasn’t any nightmares. Nowadays, peace was a rare luxury. He loved the way her hair seemed to flow down her back, her freckles dotting all other her body like the night sky._

_Some nights, like tonight, Garrus liked to sleep with his head resting on Shepard’s’ chest, her hands resting idly on his fringe. Not only did Garrus find that breasts make great pillows, even by turian standards, but he liked listening to her heartbeat, it was a constant reminder that she was still with him, that death hadn’t come to claim her yet._

_“Hey there” Shepard muttered, voice thick with sleep. Her idle hands began to run through his fringe._

_Garrus grunted a barely audible hello before tightening his grip on Shepard’s body, feeling her subtle movements as she woke up. “You okay?” he asked, reluctantly forcing his head up to make eye-contact. A small, tired nod was all the response Shepard gave. One of her hands reached his, squeezing it gently._

_“I didn’t wake you, did I?” Garrus asked, caressing his talons on her hand in a small circular motion._

_“No, you didn’t” Shepard replied, brining Garrus’s hand up to kiss it. “But I think it’s time for you”_

_Garrus’s eyes narrowed slightly in confusion “What?”_

_“It’s time for you to wake up Garrus” Shepard clarified “Wake up”_

 

“Fuck!” Garrus jolted upright in bed, as if someone had poured freezing cold water down onto him. He hated those dreams. They were far too realistic, far too personal. A cold reminder of how the real world and the world of dreams only blurred together more by the day. The worst part was waking up and finding the cold side of the bed where Shepard would be. _Should be._ Instead she was trapped in her own body, fighting between the line of alive and dead.

Begrudgingly, Garrus forced his way out of bed. He didn’t bother to look himself over, he knew he probably looked like shit. Much to the criticism of others, such as his sister and his team-mates, he hadn’t been taking very good care of himself.  As much as he would insist and lie that it was the lack of time, he, and the others knew it was the lack of physical and mental energy. Whether it was due to Shepard’s condition, the cabin fever which had slowly built up over the months of not leaving the station, the pressure of being the Primarch’s advisor or all of them at the same time, it was all taking a toll.  Nevertheless, every day he forced himself out of bed and faced what called to him. Feeling Shepard’s gaze on him, watching him.

Afterall, it wasn’t as if he had much of a choice. He couldn’t simply pack up and leave like he did 2 years ago. Back in the ‘good old days’ he wasn’t responsible for millions of lives, he didn’t have the confidence from the Primarch, and the reapers were merely a haunting thought, at the back of minds but  

When you’ve lived through as much war and destruction as the Normandy has then you learn one crucial fact.

Peace is an illusion.

When one war finishes, another battle takes its place. This one being in the form and Wrex and the Quarians vs the council. Round: Who knows.

After 4 months since the relays had been destroyed, 4 major relays had been fixed to working order, while another 5 more were very near finished. Finally, the long-awaited departure of the citadel from the Sol system back to the Widow cluster had arrived. There was still a lot of repairs in need to be done, but it’s core components and its outer hull was in decent enough condition to be safely moved through the relays. But to most people, the relays meant one thing, home.

Now, it could have been argued that the council kickstarted this whole debate by stating very bluntly that the council races get priority. Due to the obvious and reasonable decision of... Well we’re the council.

However, it could equally be as argued that Wrex did not help the situation by retaliating… aggressively. Only fuelling the council’s idea of the “bad aggressive Krogan who don’t deserve any respect”.

_“I know I told you to play the angry Krogan act…”_

Unfortunately for Garrus, his role as Primarch advisor meant he had to – of course – advise on the situation. If only he had a straight answer.

His patriotic, “good turian” response would have been to let the turians go first as they – along with the humans – had suffered the most collateral damage from the reapers compared to the other council races.

That would have been the response we would have given 3 years ago. Now, things had changed, new depths had been introduced and the galaxy had gained another layer of complexity.

_“Why don’t you head back to Normandy kid. If you stay in the real world, you may have to learn something”_

Unlike the other races both the Krogan and the Quarians had gained something during the war, something to fight for, the Krogan had the future of their race and the Quarians had a home. Combined with the fact that the two races and fought just as hard and given up most of their resources towards the war. They had every right to voice their opinions and be treated with the same respect as the council races.

Despite this wider and deeper understanding of the galaxy however, Garrus still did not have straight answer… It was never that simple anymore.

 

“Vakarian!” The Primarchs’ voice snapped Garrus back to reality.  Oh right, he was supposed to have his answer by today. In front the Primarch, and the council… and Wrex… And the Quarians.

“Yes Primarch?” Garrus replied with some assertion, trying to hide his previous daze.

“Just making sure you’re awake, the meeting is about to start” It wasn’t clear whether he was annoyed or simple just amused, probably both. Though one thing was certain is that both wanted this meeting to be over already.

When they entered the meeting was already in progress, it clearly had not taken long for Wrex to start arguing with the Council.

“Ah, Primarch Victus” The salarian councillor greeted them, not in a welcoming manner but in a more ‘Oh good now you can face the Krogan”

“Councillor” the Victus replied as he took his place.

Other than Wrex and the council, the Admiralty Board, Tali among them to whom Garrus gave a small head nod of acknowledgement, along with members of the alliance such as Admiral Hackett. Well it was technically ‘their relay’ so they would be voicing their opinion.

After barely even 2 hours into the meeting, Garrus had fully understood why Shepard tended to avoid any sort of meeting with the council at all cost. They were awful! Boring, tedious, not to mention infuriating.  Every time a point was made, it was faced with opposition, it became increasingly difficult for Garrus to not sigh and groan with his head in his hands. He spared a glance at Tali who seemed just as fed up as he did, he had known her long enough to tell even if she was rolling her eyes

G. Vakarian:  
> You’ve got the same look you have when you’re about to use your shotgun on somebody

T. Zorah:  
> And you look have the same look when someone disturbs your calibrations. Although I could definitely use a round a shooting range after this.

G. Vakarian:  
> Agreed.  
> What do you think?

T. Zorah:  
> I don’t know. 3 years ago, I would have said that the quarians get priority because of all the treatment we have received over the past 300 years. But now, I don’t know. I feel like we’re not the priority here.

It was comforting to find that Tali shared his sentiment of confusion, but it did bring something to light. Those needing the immediate the transport out of this system was not down to a particular race or species.

“…besides the council races have more wounded they need immediate transport so…”

“All the races have wounded” Garrus interjected, interrupting the Asari councillor from her point.  “So that argument is pointless” The meeting grew silent for what felt like moments.

“Then perhaps you have a better solution” the Asari councillor replied. Perhaps he could, after all, what was the point of spending all that time trying to be involved if you’re not going to use that influence. What was Wrex’s saying?

_Grow a quad!_

“We need to deal with our wounded first” Garrus said “That above all else should be our priority”

“Our resources are stretched enough here already” Tali added “It would make more sense for the wounded to leave the system first, allowing for more resources to be focused on repairs”

“The more time we waste arguing about this, the more people suffer because of it” said Garrus

A silence filled with contemplation seeped through the atmosphere. Garrus and Tali spared each other a glance, wondering if the council would listen to what they said.

“Can we guarantee secure areas on each home world?” one of the councillors said

“We have several areas already secured” Victus answered

“It can be done” Wrex replied.

After that, most questions were directed to Garrus and Tali, forcing them to take the reins and lead the meeting in terms of logistics, practicality and plans and for once, they weren’t afraid.

 

“Well, that went well, I suppose” Tali said later, once the meeting had been as she, Garrus and Wrex walked back to their quarters

“Looks like the council finally decided to stick their heads out their asses and listen to us” Wrex agreed

“I seem to remember me and Garrus doing most of the talking” Tali retorted “You were just agreeing”

“I was supplying the moral support of an angry Krogan”

“And how is that angry Krogan doing now?” Tali asked with a smirk.

Tali was one the few people who could get away with teasing Wrex, he seemed to have a soft spot for the quarian ever since their time fighting Saren on the SR-1.  The list of people Wrex could tolerate was small at best, but those he did, he cared about.

_“I was the one with bullets flying at me”_

_“And I gave you the moral support to dodge them”_

“Besides, I think we have Shepard to thank for that, the last time they didn’t listen… well…” Tali said, half in thought. “You going up to see her?”

“Yeah” Garrus replied “I’ll see you two later” And with that he left, heading towards Shepard’s unchanged, unconscious body.

 

The room hadn’t changed either, still that stale, clinical smell. What he would do to open a window and allow some sort of air into this room. If the hospital had been planet-side, he wouldn’t hesitate to do just that.

When he arrived, one of the nurses was wiping down Shepard’s face and neck, a job he quickly took over, allowing for the nurse to leave and giving Garrus some privacy.

“Looks likes the council are finally having a change of heart and are listening to what we had to say” Garrus said as he gently wiped Shepard’s brow with the cloth. “You should have seen Tali, she was… I believe the human phrase is on fire?”

The beating of the heart monitor seemed to echo and copy Garrus’s words.

“Though I suppose one angry quarian is nothing compared to an angry spectre?” a small smirk layered Garrus’s words, although it did pretty quickly. For a while Garrus said nothing and simply focused on wiping her face and neck. Once that was done he drew his talons up to her hair and made little strokes through her locks, like he used to do when she was still asleep, lying next to him in the same bed, only dreams in her mind.

“You were pretty stubborn, still are” he said, trying to pick up from where he left off. “Which is why wherever you are, I know you can hear me, I know you’ll come back”

Garrus lowered his brow to hers, closing his eyes, wanting to only focus on her breathing, her heartbeat, a reminder of her state.

“Don’t go too far” he breathed into her hair “Don’t go where I can’t follow”

 

 

 

One thing that Shepard had learnt over her career as an N7 and later a Spectre was distinguishing truths from mistruths. Finding the lie in what seemed obvious.

 _“Do you recognise this place?”_ a voice in the back of Shepard’s mind spoke. Of course she did, she had come here hundreds if not thousands of times before.

It was the Citadel, but something was off. Well multiple things were off.

It all seemed the same, the buildings, the architecture, the presidium lakes, the clinical cleanliness of it all.

Shepard walked on taking in her surroundings, occasionally touching a wall or a bench to check and see if it was real.

_“Those are real things? You can’t feel if you’re not real?”_

It was odd for it to be so clean, perhaps the citadel was not as damaged as she thought.

“Strange, I always thought the citadel to be cold and clinical but now even more so”

It seemed to empty with everyone gone, so calm and peaceful and….

“There’s no-one here!”

Even if evacuations had taken place, there would have been at least some left behind!

“HELLO, ANYONE THERE!” Shepard called out. Nothing, just her echo. There was no-one, not even the keepers. Just her, alone.

 _“Someone must be here, someone must have been left behind”_ The citadel was huge and she was only in the presidium, surely down in the wards someone must be there.

With her destination set in mind, Shepard walked on alone, with nothing but her thoughts as company.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah! I'm sorry! Look I did have intentions to finish this chapter a month or 2 ago but since exams finished, I have been working non-stop and then going away, plus with trying to find the inspiration to write. So yeah I'm sorry. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter despite that as I'm actually going somewhere now with this. I've been super inspired by Hellblade which if you haven't played, is really good! I recommend. It does seem a bit confusing but don't worry, things will get explained!
> 
> Anyway, hope you like it and until next time :)


	7. Always The Bridesmaid But Never The Bride, Hey…

**Part VII, Always The Bridesmaid But Never The Bride, Hey…**

 

_“Have you ever thought about after?” Shepard asked from her place under him, her head nestled in his lap._

_“Hmm?”_

_“After the war, what would you do with your life? Can’t imagine you going back to C-Sec” Garrus couldn’t help but to laugh at the idea. How could he go back to what life was before after all this?_

_“No, C-Sec was definitely not something I had in mind” Garrus replied “If I’m honest, I’ve never really thought that far ahead, though I don’t think I’ve ever thought beyond the present since Omega”_

_“No, it’s not with this war anyway” Shepard nestled herself closer to Garrus, taking a hold of his hand, gripping it tightly._

_“We can’t predict the future” Garrus said, drawing Shepard attention “When this is over, everything will change… But I know one thing…”_

_“And what’s that?”_

_Garrus looked down, bringing her hand up to his mouth, nuzzling it gently “At least we’ll have each other”_

_“How come you always now just what to say?”  Shepard replied, lifting her head up to kiss his mandible._

_“Only with you” The two sharing another kiss, a proper one._

_“That’s not true, you always know what to say, especially when you’re awake”_

_“What?” Garrus questioned as he narrowed his eyes slightly, Shepard simply smiled and leaned up again, pressing her forehead to his._

_“It’s time for you to wake up Garrus”_

 

5:00 am Earth time, it was usually this time he found himself to be awake. The dreams were something Garrus was used to now, no longer causing him the shock and fear they used to, instead just a numbness, a dull, cold numbness.

The dreams did not follow an orderly sequence or pattern, some were memories being replayed over in his head whereas some were scenes which never took place, scenes he would have liked to happen, if they had more time. A reminder of what he does not have.

Rather than face another one of these dreams, Garrus just remains awake, alternating his morning between dealing with reports, at the firing range or in Shepard’s room.

Like his dreams, Shepard’s condition was a reminder of what used to have, a ghost of a past life. Still felt the urge the be by her side as often as he could, looking for any signs of her condition improving, despite the signs suggesting the complete opposite.

Much like her condition, Shepard’s room was still stagnant. A timeless bubble in which nothing had changed, not the smell, not her bed nor the equipment, everything was the same, untouched from the ever-changing outside.

And was that changing, with the relays now mostly functional, most had returned to their respected planets, including high ranked officials including Victus and Wrex. In fact, the SS New Horizon was getting emptier and emptier by the day. And soon it would be his turn to eventually leave the Sol System. And Shepard.

He had been asked by multiple times to return to Palaven from his father to help with the restorations and face his responsibility as Primarch Advisor. Victus had been more sympathetic but still gave the same message.

_People need you._

And yet Garrus had this in

Garrus was stuck in two minds. One part screaming at him to fulfil his silent promise of never leaving Shepard’s side. While the other part telling him that he needs to see his role out.

_You know Shepard wouldn’t want you like this…_

That was something he had heard multiple times now. And although they were somewhat right, he knew Shepard would also understand. After all, almost every single time Garrus had left her six, she had either died, blew up a relay, or had the reapers arrive at her doorstep. Not that those events were caused his absence, but it did lead to an irrational fear and anxiety to form in his core.

But who else would take care of her? Who else would be there for her? Be a shoulder for her to lean on? Of course, Shepard had the support of her entire team but neither could deny that they had something which went beyond. In which Garrus didn’t need to ask how she was feeling, he simply knew.

The worst fear however was the thought of Shepard waking up and him not being there, not being the first face she sees. He knew that when she woke up one of the first things she’ll feel is confusion, and Garrus hoped that at least seeing his face will help elevate that. He wanted to be there, for her.

_When this is over… I’ll wait for you… no matter how long it takes…._

A voice startled him from his thoughts “You still here?” Garrus looked up to find Tali hanging by the doorway.

“Hey Tali, yeah… still here” Garrus replied in greeting. Tali took this as a cue to approach him, taking occupation of the seat opposite him, on Shepard’s other side.

The two had never both been together at the same time when they visited Shepard, always one or the other.

Garrus considered asking her a question, like if she couldn’t sleep or something mundane like that but he knows it’s a stupid question.  So, he just contents himself with a silence.

 “Funny how this room never seems the change” Tali comments breaking the silence like glass “It’s like the galaxy is turning more than ever and yet this room just stands still”

Garrus just looks up her then back down to Shepard, taking her hand in his.  “It’ll be a different galaxy when she wakes up” he replies

“And all because of her” Tali added

Another silence

“I’m leaving tomorrow morning” Garrus looked up, he had to be honest, he wasn’t expecting that so quickly

“When was that decided?” Garrus asked

“Today, I was told by Raan that I should leave as soon as I could. She even made arrangements for my transportation”

“You nervous?”

“Very” Tali replied “But sometimes we must go against our emotions, even it hurts” Garrus didn’t need to use his detective skills to see how obvious the hints Tali were giving.

“You’ll be fine” he comments, pretending like he hadn’t noticed “You’re a great leader and Admiral”

Another silence, this time a horrid sense of tension filled it.

“You’re not the only one you know” Tali remarks, her words coming out with the slightest hint of venom which was rare for her.

“What do you mean?” Garrus replied, being slightly taken a back by her tone.

“Just because you two had something doesn’t mean you get special priority or an excuse over how you behave”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Garrus shot back, this time adding more spite to his tone

“You seem to forget that the rest of us care just as much! And yet we forced ourselves to leave, to actually do something in this mess of a galaxy!”

“Are you suggesting that I’ve done nothing throughout my time on the Normandy, or here, or while she was dead?!”

“I’m saying that you are not the only one!” Tali cried, her mask fogging up slightly, her body slumping back in her chair “You’re not the only one who has to move past their feelings towards her”

The realisation fell on him. Hard.

“You love her”

“Garrus… I….”

“Don’t” A part of him wanted to shout, to scream. How she had no right to love Shepard. Yet he knew that it would be pointless. It wasn’t her fault. No-one could control who they fell in love with.  

“When did you find out?”  

“Just before the suicide mission, she… came to me and we joked but I was too scared, I didn’t know, and I didn’t want to ruin what friendship we had” Tali explained “I can’t help how I feel but I won’t make excuses for them”

“…I don’t expect you to” That took Tali by surprise, she was expecting him to yell at her, to express such a rage, but he didn’t. Instead he just shifted in his chair and took Shepard’s hand again. “All her time conscious she never thought anyone cared”

Tali took Shepard other hand, gripping it tightly.

“Do you think she’ll ever wake up?”

“She has to”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ..... Yeah I have no excuse. But hey, here's part 7! Enjoy :)


	8. Nothing I Can Do

**Part VIII, Nothing I Can Do**

 

When talking about smoke, it is important to distinguish between what is considered the worst part of it and what it actually the worst part.  While many consider the is that it covers everything in a thick, black fog of nothing. But smoke is only temporary, and it always clears.  It’s what the smoke reveals that is the shocking part, that’s the part that makes you choke and takes your breath away.

Though it can be said that all feelings are heightened when it’s your home world destroyed, your home.

Garrus knew the destruction on Palaven was bad but nothing could prepare him for what he saw when he finally touched down on Cipritine. Much like London, only some strong structures stood tall, and while in some parts there was only collateral damage, in others, only ruins remained. He could only imagine much of the galaxy looked the same.

Having touched down he was immediately met with a couple of soldiers and corporals addressing him as ‘sir’, something he still couldn’t get used to nor liked, and leading him to the Primarch who seemed busy talking with generals and the like.

“Vakarian, glad you arrived” Victus greeted, handing over his datapad to a near-by soldier. Whether it be due to his higher rank or his non-traditionalist behaviour but Victus never used the terms ‘sir’ when addressing Garrus, something he was grateful for.

“Like-wise, Primarch” Garrus replied “What’s the situation?”

“Securing areas and rebuilding said areas are the top priority as well as re-establishing the hierarchy, it’s in absolute chaos and re-instating it will create stability” Adrien said, taking yet another datapad from another soldier, as did Garrus.

“A lot of people have forgotten what stability is like” Garrus agreed “No search and rescue operations?” he queried, glancing over the data pad which showed a map of Palaven with many numbers and statistics he knew he would have to look at in more detail later. Adrien looked at him with an apologetic yet doubtful look.

“At this stage it’s unlikely anyone who managed to survive the war also managed to survive this long without help” Adrien explain “If we find them we help them, but our top priority is to start rebuilding the lives of those here now”

Garrus couldn’t help but to agree, as much as he wanted to retaliate and send out search and rescue parties, the priority was here and now.

_Shepard would have disagreed_

“I’m having you placed here in Cipritine as acting-Primarch, I will be here as well, but I need someone placed here for the time being, and I trust you” Victus explained. Garrus couldn’t help the breath he held, being the acting Primarch of all Cipritine. On the one hand he couldn’t help but to feel a little surprised, he was expecting a far worse position or role to be placed in. Yet, the feeling of dread couldn’t stop seeping into his veins.

_Better than I feared, worse than I hoped_

“I’ll transfer all the necessary details and information to your omni-tool and I’ll be sure to let all those know of your arrival and position here, however do be sure to introduce yourself”

“Of course,” _Time to step up_

“And before I go, I wanted to say…” Victus said as he turned back to face him “Thank you for stepping up to this role, I know it was not what you had in mind especially with everything going on, but I appreciate it”

“Just doing my job Victus” Garrus shrugged off. He had always been bad at taking compliments, whether that be due to spending most of his life in C-Sec and the military and being under his father’s shadow, he always had the nagging thought that what he did he did wasn’t good enough.

Victus left later that that day leaving Garrus to get to grips with the situation as well as asserting himself within the chain of command. As the day drew on and Garrus was made more aware about the situation on Ciptrine, his list of things to do grew ever longer and more complicated. But by the end of it he had some kind (if not confusing) list and idea of what he had to in order to bring the galaxy, or at least Palaven back to some kind of normality.

 

 

One thing out of the many lessons he learnt from being with Shepard is that even if you think you have the hang of something and are feeling good, chances are you’re not.

It was at his family home when it happened, with his family relocated elsewhere on Palaven, he took it upon himself to rebuild their home, or at least making it back into one. For now it was just four walls with a lot of collateral damage.

Whereas back in the good old days, bad news would come in the form of an explosion or gunfire, these days it came in the form of words.

Just as Garrus was in the middle of reading and re-reading reports and emails the words “INCOMING CALL: WREX” took up the screen. He let it ring twice before answering.

“Wrex? Do what do I owe the pleasure?” Garrus asked, biting his tongue at the ridiculous pleasantries. 

“Don’t mock me turian” Wrex bit back

“Yeah I hate formalities, get enough of them already” Garrus grumbled in agreement “So why are you calling?”

“Did you hear the news?”

“What news? There’s a lot to go around these days”

“About Shepard” Garrus’s head shot up, panic ridden in his eyes

“What’s happened? Is she ok? Is she awake?!” all the worst possible situations started to go through Garrus’s mind. Had her conditions worsened? Had she woken up without him being there?

“Nothing, she’s still in a coma but she’s moved”

“Moved? Moved where?”

“To Earth, the ship is being dismantled, so they’re moved all injured to this hospital on Earth in Vancouver”

“How did you find this out?”

“Through Liara, apparently you should have been informed by now”

“No, I haven’t” Garrus frowned, he had made sure that any news concerning Shepard was forwarded to him immediately.  

“Don’t worry, apparently none of us were important enough to receive any news about her” Wrex replied, having sensed his confusion about the lack of information, sarcasm dripping in his voice.  Garrus hummed in acknowledgment, making a mental note to contact Admiral Hackett about this lack of communication.

“Is she doing any better?”

“There ain’t been a change” Wrex said, choosing his words carefully.  “But this is Shepard, death will spit her back out again”

“I hope your right Wrex” Garrus sighed

“Of course, I am” Wrex replied back “And when it does, I’ll make sure she has a proper Krogan recovery”

Garrus chuckled “I think that might put her back in the coma”

“Are you sure waking up with a turian next to her won’t do it first?”

“Didn’t the last few times” Garrus winked

“If it didn’t then you’re doing it wrong”

“I’m sure you know all about wooing the women Wrex but then again as I’ve heard, Krogan women do love it when someone is horribly scarred”

“I can teach you a few things if you want?” Wrex quipped back, an almost sinister teasing smirk on his face

“No thanks” Garrus replied back “Would hate to step on your territory, you’re clearly an expert” Wrex only laughed back in response, his usual 3 toned laugh filling the room.

“Well I better go, planets to rebuild, civilisations to create” Garrus sighed in agreement, it wasn’t just Shepard that needed help recovering.

“So long Wrex”

“Vakarian”  “VIDEO CALL ENDED”

 

Garrus leaned back in his chair. Despite the knowledge that he was ultimately doing something right, Garrus couldn’t help the overwhelming sense of guilt that plagued him upon hearing that news. None of the Normandy team were stationed on earth or anywhere near her. He was halfway across the galaxy away from her for spirits sake! He needed to be with her by her side for when she wakes up.  As he poured himself a stiff drink, he always had something stored nearby, Garrus thought back to all the times Shepard had stuck by him despite her objections. From Saleon to Sidonis, Shepard had supported him in ever decision he’s ever made, never left his side. Neither did he, he dropped everything to follow her into hell. Until now.

Garrus left his terminal and walked up to his window, opening to a small balcony. He looked up in the stars and hoped, practically begged, that wherever she was, mentally and physically she will never be alone.

 

 

Shepard had now lost complete track of how much time had gone by. Being alone does that. All she had was herself, wondering the clean walls of the citadel. It was only now did she realise just how big it was. With no one about, the citadel seemed ever growing, overwhelming to her. The more she walked the more the overwhelming feeling of dread consumed her. Despite what her N7 training and gut told her, she couldn’t shake the realisation that there was no-one. She was alone.

Every other time she visited she had something on her mind, places to be people to meet and as such never had time to take it all in. But now, all alone and with all the time in the world, Shepard could really feel the vastness of it all. She wondered if this is what the first Asari explorers, or even those before, felt like when they made first contact on the huge space station. The only difference is that they had the keepers, even she didn’t have them.

_“Maybe they died too when the catalyst was deployed?”_

It became all to clear that simply walking up and down the presidium was going to do her no good. Alone or not, she was an N7, a spectre, she had to think of a plan. First, omni-tool. Shepard looked at her arm, funny how she never really though about it until now. Maybe she was just so pre-occupied about finding someone. Anyone.

_“Can’t think about that now”_

Funny enough, it lit up, had no signal (typical) but it worked. Could send out drones and turrets perfectly fine.

_“That’s useful”_

Deciding to keep one of the drones up, Shepard checked she had a map of citadel as well as medi-gel and other basic functions to her omni-tool.

Next, she would need somewhere to rethink and recuperate, she couldn’t spend all her time wondering around. Shepard looked in the direction of the wards. Her flat. If the wards were like the presidium it should be fine.

_“Not too far from the docking bays and familiar, a good base… for now”_

So, what seemed like the thousandth time, Shepard headed away from the presidium in another direction, with only the small drone floating behind her in pursuit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To qoute Black Pantha: As you can see! I am not dead! 
> 
> Yeah sorry about long wait, had a lot of stress and lack of motivation but I haven't forgotten about this don't worry and I have a plan for it. But please bear with me. 
> 
> Thank you all and I hope you like this chapter!


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